Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

The ADD mind works in mysterious ways…I was ready to write about a recent trip to the bookstore. I had most of it worked out in my head…how to start it off, what to draw, some suggested reads, yada yada yada. The problem with this statement besides the Seinfeld reference which I’m straining not to go off on a tangent, are the key words; worked out in my head. What this really means is I already forgot what I was going to write and started to wander. Somehow, I got caught up in the Matrix and a quote from Cypher (it’s the title of this post). I’m not sure how I got there but I did. It’s like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon but only backwards…Now, how did I get to this?

Anyhow, back to the Matrix. Cypher says to Neo, “I know what you're thinking…Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?” This refers to an earlier scene where Neo first meets Morpheus and is told of the Matrix. Morpheus tells Neo:

 I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

No, I don’t think I’m “the one” and I can dodge bullets or anything like that (although, that would be frickin’ cool!). Yes, I do think something is wrong with the world but that’s another story. The point that I’m getting at is when I look back on my life, I feel like I could have been Neo. Something wasn’t right. I had questions but wasn’t sure what to ask. I was searching for something but didn’t know what it was. I was confused, frustrated, unhappy and very angry inside. And like Neo, I was offered a choice. I ignore what’s bothering me and go on through life being an angry person and blame others or do something about it until I get some answers. Morpheus offered Neo a choice, “…You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” As Neo reaches for the RED pill Morpheus says, “Remember... all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.”

In my world, the RED pill would be Adderall and the truth is the ADD. But you may ask,  “If you are still distracted, why take speed?” I know I have considered it a couple of times since being diagnosed. Before diagnosis I was totally unaware of the distractions. My mind was racing so fast, I couldn’t recognize them if I tried. I would just move from one thing to the next without a thought as to why…probably because my mind was too busy thinking about the next thing. So, why live with the truth? To quote Cypher again, “…ignorance is bliss.”

I said it before, the speed actually slows my thought process to the point where my mind and body are more in sync. (Ooh, like “bullet time” in the Matrix!) Huh?!? Sorry, I digress. Let me continue...Slowing me down seems counter intuitive doesn’t it? Well, I don't know why or how it does this. I’m not a doctor and don’t pretend to be. All I know is what it does for me. It allows me to be more aware of the distractions, which in turn allows me to devise new ways to work with it. Even better, I could make it work for me! I’m nowhere near the “working for me” bit but I am working on routines and other tricks to help me be more productive.

I’m going to jump back a little and explain what it was like. I used to get so frustrated with my productivity. For example, I might have a day all to myself. I would make a list (if I was lucky) of things I wanted to get done. First off, what I imagined to get accomplished versus what was humanly possible was ridiculous! Not even out of the gate and I’m already heading for disappointment. Now I attempt to get started and the distractions kick in or my hyper-focus sets in and I spend half the day in anal mode. I’m stuck on something small in the big scheme of things and I’ve lost track of time…actually, I have no concept of time. Time or what one author likes to call “fuzzy-time” works against me. Hours can go by and I’m unaware because I’m too busy. At the end of the day I feel like I was productive but I got nothing done. Yeah, I was productive at being distracted (if there was only a career in that!) but I didn’t know it then. So I get frustrated and so begins the vicious circle.

I have made a choice and took the “RED pill” and can now see the truth. I have ADD and know it is manageable. I’m aware of my distractions and what I can do to alleviate them. Tasks can finally be accomplished and the frustration will subside. I’ll end with a quote from Morpheus to Neo, “Welcome to the Real World”.

Note: The bookstore will be my next post with a list of suggested reads (Lets hope).