Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

The ADD mind works in mysterious ways…I was ready to write about a recent trip to the bookstore. I had most of it worked out in my head…how to start it off, what to draw, some suggested reads, yada yada yada. The problem with this statement besides the Seinfeld reference which I’m straining not to go off on a tangent, are the key words; worked out in my head. What this really means is I already forgot what I was going to write and started to wander. Somehow, I got caught up in the Matrix and a quote from Cypher (it’s the title of this post). I’m not sure how I got there but I did. It’s like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon but only backwards…Now, how did I get to this?

Anyhow, back to the Matrix. Cypher says to Neo, “I know what you're thinking…Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?” This refers to an earlier scene where Neo first meets Morpheus and is told of the Matrix. Morpheus tells Neo:

 I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

No, I don’t think I’m “the one” and I can dodge bullets or anything like that (although, that would be frickin’ cool!). Yes, I do think something is wrong with the world but that’s another story. The point that I’m getting at is when I look back on my life, I feel like I could have been Neo. Something wasn’t right. I had questions but wasn’t sure what to ask. I was searching for something but didn’t know what it was. I was confused, frustrated, unhappy and very angry inside. And like Neo, I was offered a choice. I ignore what’s bothering me and go on through life being an angry person and blame others or do something about it until I get some answers. Morpheus offered Neo a choice, “…You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” As Neo reaches for the RED pill Morpheus says, “Remember... all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.”

In my world, the RED pill would be Adderall and the truth is the ADD. But you may ask,  “If you are still distracted, why take speed?” I know I have considered it a couple of times since being diagnosed. Before diagnosis I was totally unaware of the distractions. My mind was racing so fast, I couldn’t recognize them if I tried. I would just move from one thing to the next without a thought as to why…probably because my mind was too busy thinking about the next thing. So, why live with the truth? To quote Cypher again, “…ignorance is bliss.”

I said it before, the speed actually slows my thought process to the point where my mind and body are more in sync. (Ooh, like “bullet time” in the Matrix!) Huh?!? Sorry, I digress. Let me continue...Slowing me down seems counter intuitive doesn’t it? Well, I don't know why or how it does this. I’m not a doctor and don’t pretend to be. All I know is what it does for me. It allows me to be more aware of the distractions, which in turn allows me to devise new ways to work with it. Even better, I could make it work for me! I’m nowhere near the “working for me” bit but I am working on routines and other tricks to help me be more productive.

I’m going to jump back a little and explain what it was like. I used to get so frustrated with my productivity. For example, I might have a day all to myself. I would make a list (if I was lucky) of things I wanted to get done. First off, what I imagined to get accomplished versus what was humanly possible was ridiculous! Not even out of the gate and I’m already heading for disappointment. Now I attempt to get started and the distractions kick in or my hyper-focus sets in and I spend half the day in anal mode. I’m stuck on something small in the big scheme of things and I’ve lost track of time…actually, I have no concept of time. Time or what one author likes to call “fuzzy-time” works against me. Hours can go by and I’m unaware because I’m too busy. At the end of the day I feel like I was productive but I got nothing done. Yeah, I was productive at being distracted (if there was only a career in that!) but I didn’t know it then. So I get frustrated and so begins the vicious circle.

I have made a choice and took the “RED pill” and can now see the truth. I have ADD and know it is manageable. I’m aware of my distractions and what I can do to alleviate them. Tasks can finally be accomplished and the frustration will subside. I’ll end with a quote from Morpheus to Neo, “Welcome to the Real World”.

Note: The bookstore will be my next post with a list of suggested reads (Lets hope).

Light or Dark?

"Why do you make it more difficult than it has to be?" I hear it all the time and never have a good answer or a smart-ass comeback. I shrug it off, feel stupid or get pissed. I really don't know why I make life more difficult, I just do. I never notice it unless someone points it out and I am in an agreeable mood. Well, I recently had insight into my difficult ways and all I could do is laugh!

We have had this toaster for years. Other than being a little stylish, there is nothing super exciting about it; it's just a toaster. No need to whip out the instruction manual to operate it. There is a dial to adjust from light to dark and a couple of preset buttons...easy! Now, bare with me...The first time I used it, I threw my English Muffins in and pressed the lever. After they popped up, I saw they needed more time so I pushed the lever down a second time and waited. They were burned when they popped out the second time. Lesson learned: don't leave them in as long during the second time (This is my train of thought...and this is coming from a man who has rebuilt an engine, rewired his house and remodeled a kitchen!!) Yes, I know about the dial. I know what the dial does...but did I think about it??? No! I did not apply that particular knowledge to the problem at hand. I simply pushed the lever down a second time and made sure that I popped the muffins out before they got burned. This is how I toast my English Muffins. I have done this for some time and never thought twice about it until...I started seeing the chickens:)

The other morning I wanted English Muffins and so began the toaster ritual. I put them in, press the lever and go to my office. I hear the toaster from my office and go back to press the lever for a second time. I walk out and stop half way, realizing I must go back to attend to my muffins. I go back but something else pulls me away...back and forth I go like a ping-pong ball until I see...I'm being distracted! When I get back to the toaster it finally hits me, "why am I making this so difficult?...there's a dial to adjust the setting!" Really??? How long have I been doing it this way? Lesson learned: use the dial to adjust the toast!

I am now happy to say that I have one less thing to make difficult for myself!

All I hear is static!

So, I grew up with ear problems. Earaches are my worst childhood memory...they sucked! I had two or three ear tube surgeries as a youngster and don't remember any of it. All I remember is the pain of an earache and the mad dash to the ear doc and then the pharmacist. There were times when my mom tried to sooth me when we couldn't see the doc: the trusty old red hot water bottle, warm ear drops or just hold me and run her fingers through my hair (yes, I had hair at one time)...anything to ease the pain. Then there were the times when I wanted to go swimming...the dreaded Vaseline, cotton ball, ear-plug and sometimes shower-cap routine. Ahhhh, good times! Life was so much better after that until...the static came!

I don't exactly remember when it started, at least twenty years ago if not more. I always had a hard time describing it to people. It was like a ringing or white noise or maybe a high pitched hum. It was not always there but when it was, I thought I was losing it. I no longer liked being in environments with lots of people. Shopping malls, theaters and restaurants were all bad news for me. I would get agitated and disoriented to the point that I needed to get out or I might lose my shit. What really brought it to life was flying. Can you imagine walking through an airport with this and then getting on a 747 seated next to one of those big jet engines and then flying for 5 hours? Forget about it! I was a total A-hole by the time it was over and my family would try to stay clear for the next 24 hours because I was such a dick! Needless to say, flying back and forth to visit my family in California was not ideal for all parties involved, especially my wife and son who had to put up with me prior, during and after the trips.(I would get very anxious, in a bad way, days or weeks before a trip...hmmm, I wonder why?)

I finally brought up the ear thing to my primary and he suggested I go see an ENT. So off I went hoping they would have a fix. I arrive and the first thing they do is put me in a screening room to test my hearing. It was like I went back in time. It was one of those old child screening rooms with the same equipment, ancient posters and tacky wallpaper from my early years. I was sure to get a lollipop if I was good:) After some more tests, more probing and prodding they proceed to tell me I have Tinnitus and I will just have to put up with it. And to add insult to injury, they tell me that I have a "flappy ear drum" (this is their technical jargon) and I will have to "pop" my ear from time-to-time by holding my nose and blowing at the same time. WTF?!? This is the "fix" I get from someone who has completed eleven-plus years of schooling and training?

Several years pass. The dreaded ring and agitation is still around and comes more frequently. I try to compensate at home by drinking or going to the "man cave" or disappearing into my office. I thought I was being overwhelmed by life, family & work and all I needed was some “me” time, at least that was the notion. Avoiding my wife and son was not the intent (although it sure comes across that way)…turns out I was getting away from the "noise". This behavior continued and got worse as time wore on. It came across as selfish but I did not have a clue, except for the guilt (which will be another post...actually it could be a whole separate blog!)

 Enter present day...the noise is gone! What happened? I'm not sure what happened but I do know that once I started treatment for the ADD, the noise went away (and the agitation). It comes back at times when I feel the speed wearing off, but it's nothing like before. People have asked me what it was like (before and after), and the best answer I could give them was one I read in a book about treating ADD. I apologize for not remembering the book...maybe during another post it will come to me. Anyhow, someone used an analogy of a radio. Their brain was a radio that couldn't find a station. It could only get static. After treatment, their radio was able to tune into any station with clarity. It's still freaky to think that was me only two months ago and yet I was never able to articulate it until now.

Now, why did I cross the road???

Back for another post and feeling pretty excited about it! Cautionary note: My mind is all over the place and this blog will definitely follow suit. I used to hate writing and now I understand why...I could never get my thoughts down on paper! I only succeeded at writing when I procrastinated to the very last minute and was hit with a big jolt of "Oh Shit I gotta get this done" and the adrenaline kick which would soon follow. I didn't know it then but my mind was compensating for the ADD. I was not lazy or stupid, I just could not get it together unless my mind/body was in Fight or Flight mode. Stress was my motivator and chaos was my life (not too fun, looking back on it)! So, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, distractions!

This morning, like many mornings before, I had stuff to do. I needed to take my son to school, eat, shower and get to my father-in law's to do some house repair. After my shower I got dressed and headed downstairs to pack my tools...next thing, I'm in front of my computer working on an idea for my next post! Fortunately, I caught myself after twenty minutes of fiddling and got back on track (and gave myself something to write about too!)

My wife and I have a good laugh with these "senior moments" now that we know I'm not completely losing it. Just the other day my wife asked me to run to the store to get some salad and a couple of other things for dinner. I knew I needed to write a list, which I did. I asked if there was anything else while I was walking toward the kitchen. She said no and thought she heard me leave. The door she heard was the basement door...as I walked by the door I realized I needed to change out the laundry and proceeded downstairs into the basement. Fifteen minutes passed before I realized I had not gone to the store yet. Up I came, laughing to myself and then hearing my wife say she thought I had left already. Nope, I had an ADD moment! It was a good laugh.

Chickens everywhere!

First off, if you are disgusted by typos, grammar and spelling...this is not the blog for you!

So, here I am trying to write a blog about my ADD and am constantly being distracted. You know the joke…They say I have ADD but they just don’t understand. Oh look! There’s a chicken! Well, there are lots of chickens in my life!

I was diagnosed with ADD this past August…I am happy to say, what a relief! Finally! An explanation for the craziness in my life…the constant need for something new, always putting stuff off to the last minute, social awkwardness, thoughts/ideas constantly racing through my head, the inability to focus and yet have the ability to hyper-focus, rambling speeches, indecisiveness, the grass is always greener syndrome, many jobs, many interests, many unfinished projects, and on and on! ADD has been like an inner itch that I could not scratch...super annoying!

Once I was diagnosed, I began a treatment with Adderall, which is basically speed. I immediately began to notice a change...a change in my thought process, demeanor and basic ability to function as a husband and father. You may think, "Helloooo! Speed is a stimulant and will help anyone get stuff done!"...Speed actually slowed down time for me. It allowed me to be more aware of my actions and thoughts. I was now able to see my distractions and get back on task whereas before I was not aware of the distractions.

Six months prior to this diagnosis, I began seeing a therapist because my marriage was headed for a train wreck and I was the conductor. Something needed to be done and I knew I needed help to do it. I was unhappy, dissatisfied and confused with anything and everything. Therapy helped a great deal, which I still continue, but I was still frustrated. Something still wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. Little did I know, I had been living with this my whole life! Yeah, if you are thinking "I knew this about you a long time ago", you are not the only one! Some colleagues and friends were not surprised...even my old boss couldn't believe I didn't know.

Well, I truly believe this diagnosis and treatment has saved my life and my marriage! My wife gets big kudos for dealing with my crap for the last eight years of marriage and a total of ten years being together! I can not thank her enough for the help and support she has given me! I love you!

I do not use it as an excuse but as an explanation. ADD will always be with me but now I'm learning to use the right tools to work and function with it. And the more I read about this disorder, the more excited I get..."you mean there are other's out there like me?" This is why I have started this blog. My hope is to let you see into the life of an ADDer or atleast give you a good laugh. Enjoy!