I don't exactly remember when it started, at least twenty years ago if not more. I always had a hard time describing it to people. It was like a ringing or white noise or maybe a high pitched hum. It was not always there but when it was, I thought I was losing it. I no longer liked being in environments with lots of people. Shopping malls, theaters and restaurants were all bad news for me. I would get agitated and disoriented to the point that I needed to get out or I might lose my shit. What really brought it to life was flying. Can you imagine walking through an airport with this and then getting on a 747 seated next to one of those big jet engines and then flying for 5 hours? Forget about it! I was a total A-hole by the time it was over and my family would try to stay clear for the next 24 hours because I was such a dick! Needless to say, flying back and forth to visit my family in California was not ideal for all parties involved, especially my wife and son who had to put up with me prior, during and after the trips.(I would get very anxious, in a bad way, days or weeks before a trip...hmmm, I wonder why?)
I finally brought up the ear thing to my primary and he suggested I go see an ENT. So off I went hoping they would have a fix. I arrive and the first thing they do is put me in a screening room to test my hearing. It was like I went back in time. It was one of those old child screening rooms with the same equipment, ancient posters and tacky wallpaper from my early years. I was sure to get a lollipop if I was good:) After some more tests, more probing and prodding they proceed to tell me I have Tinnitus and I will just have to put up with it. And to add insult to injury, they tell me that I have a "flappy ear drum" (this is their technical jargon) and I will have to "pop" my ear from time-to-time by holding my nose and blowing at the same time. WTF?!? This is the "fix" I get from someone who has completed eleven-plus years of schooling and training?
Several years pass. The dreaded ring and agitation is still around and comes more frequently. I try to compensate at home by drinking or going to the "man cave" or disappearing into my office. I thought I was being overwhelmed by life, family & work and all I needed was some “me” time, at least that was the notion. Avoiding my wife and son was not the intent (although it sure comes across that way)…turns out I was getting away from the "noise". This behavior continued and got worse as time wore on. It came across as selfish but I did not have a clue, except for the guilt (which will be another post...actually it could be a whole separate blog!)
Enter present day...the noise is gone! What happened? I'm not sure what happened but I do know that once I started treatment for the ADD, the noise went away (and the agitation). It comes back at times when I feel the speed wearing off, but it's nothing like before. People have asked me what it was like (before and after), and the best answer I could give them was one I read in a book about treating ADD. I apologize for not remembering the book...maybe during another post it will come to me. Anyhow, someone used an analogy of a radio. Their brain was a radio that couldn't find a station. It could only get static. After treatment, their radio was able to tune into any station with clarity. It's still freaky to think that was me only two months ago and yet I was never able to articulate it until now.
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